Effective Communication

I thought I would pass on some thoughts about communication as this is a generic and useful skill to master.
I am sure you will have heard the saying “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got”. I love this saying as it invites us to stop moaning about what we are unhappy about and to look at how we can change to get a different response.
There are many ways we can look at communication and here I am staying with generalisations rather than going into specific models..
Abe Wagner is for me one of the gurus of communication and in his book “Say it straight or show it crooked” he has listed Keys to Effective Communication and some of them are listed here.
1. Understand your goals and direct your activity to accomplish them
2. Treat yourself and others with dignity and respect
3. Be self-determining and help others to be the same
4. Be responsible for your own thinking, feeling and behaviour
5. Speak with the purpose of resolving issues, rather than proving you are right
6. Continue what works, and modify or discontinue what does not work
7. Ask for what you want and invite others to do the same
8. Make agreements that you are willing and intend to keep
9. In a conflict, communicate only with those who can help you resolve it.


Also keep in mind the need to tailor your message to your audience by making the message appropriate to the receiver’s frame of reference, for instance we talk differently to children than to adults and to a novice than to an expert.


When you are networking or talking with a customer, whether face to face or over the phone, there are stages to a conversation and you need to ensure that you move through all the stages. It can be quite easy to stay at level one or two and not get down to the reason for the meeting in the first place.

1. Level One – Small Talk
This is the building rapport stage when you discuss the weather (if you are British!) or ask questions about each other’s background. This may be omitted if talking over the phone and you are hunting. If you have established a relationship with the prospect/customer then you engage in this stage although it is brief – a couple of minutes at the most.

2. Level Two – Gentle Probing and Cautious Disclosure
You have now moved on to questions about their business in general and disclose positive aspects of your company. Again keep this brief if on the phone.

3. Level Three – Steering towards Business
Now you begin talking about the reason you are there, your objective. Understanding their needs and putting your proposition. The real start of the reason for the communication.

4. Level Four – Testing for Interest
This is going for the close.

And finally, two presuppositions taken from NLP:
It is not possible not to communicate.
The meaning of the communication is in the response you get.

Choose your words the NLP way

I thought I would pass on some tips on how to use NLP in our everyday phone calls and written work to enhance our communication and influence.

There are three main communication channels Visual, Auditory and Kinaesthetic or See, Hear and Feel. Skilled users of NLP will tune in to the words that their customer/communication partner is using and then use the favoured channel in their communication, whether spoken or written. To make life easier we can just ensure that we use words from all three channels in our spoken and written word. So what you can do is put together some phrases/sentences that you would usually use in your telephone calls and emails and ensure you include see, hear and feel words.

Start by compiling a list of words that you feel comfortable with and that would normally be in your vocabulary and see how you can add those to your communication.

It may seem time consuming initially as you put together phrases although you will soon be doing this automatically and will generate some standard sentences. Even if you only use all three channels once in a communication it is a start. You don’t have to use all three channels in each sentence either, they can be scattered throughout your conversation or email.

Do remember that feeling words are not just about emotional feelings they are about touching and doing. Some examples of how we can use kinaesthetic words are:

“So a concrete example for this might be ….”
“The impact this will have on your business is …”
“Where we stand out from our competitors is …”

I trust this helps you to have a clearer picture of how easy it is to use the three communication channels and clarifies how they can be used. Even if we are unsure of the impact of the use of the three channels, it takes so little time to include them and we have nothing to lose and maybe everything to gain.

If you have any questions then do email me.

Sue

New Year’s Resolutions and Goal Setting

At this time of year, it is common for people to make resolutions about the future. The mental health charity, "Mind" warns against this, saying that resolutions which focus on issues such as the need to lose weight or job worries create a negative self-image and if the plans fail to materialise, that could trigger feelings of failure and inadequacy. Rather they advocate thinking positively about the year to come and what you can achieve.
The tradition of the New Year's Resolutions goes all the way back to 153 B.C. Janus, a mythical god of early Rome was placed at the head of the calendar. With two faces, Janus could look back on past events and forward to the future. Janus became the ancient symbol for resolutions and many Romans looked for forgiveness from their enemies and also exchanged gifts before the beginning of each year.

According to one website the most popular resolutions are:

1. Spend More Time with Family & Friends
2. Fit in Fitness
3. Tame the Bulge
4. Quit Smoking
5. Enjoy Life More
6. Quit Drinking
7. Get Out of Debt
8. Learn Something New
9. Help Others
10. Get Organized

We should all recognise that this is not something we should do just at New Year. Rather our goals found need to be considered carefully and reviewed regularly to be effective.

Our 10 Top Tips for Goal Setting are:

10 Top Tips for Setting and Achieving Your Goals

1. When setting your goals do think about your life balance. Are the new goals compatible with the other areas of your life? Areas to consider are: Business/Work/Career, Family, Leisure/Hobbies, Friends/Social Life, Relationships, Health/Fitness, Finances, Dreams/Personal Goals.

2. Do ensure your goals are written using the SMART mnemonic as your guide.

Specific. Does the goal state clearly what it is you want to accomplish.

Measurable. There needs to be a way of measuring whether your goal is being achieved so a form of assessment needs to be included. This keeps you on track and also provides motivation, especially if you also include milestones along the way linked to dates.

Achievable. Your goal should stretch you and also be achievable within your capabilities, your area of influence, your finances and the time frame you are giving yourself.

Relevant. Your goal should be relevant to your life, career, work, ambitions and your development.

Time Bounded. Have you set a time-scale for when you want to have achieved your goal? Also at what stage/s will you review your progress?

3. Aim to use descriptive language when writing your goal. If you find the measurable aspect is challenging then ask yourself “What would I see/hear/ feel if my expectations were met” so that you focus on the outcome.

4. Use active verbs and keep your goals succinct.

5. If you have set a big goal then break it down into bite sized chunks and map these strategically with a time line.

6. Keep your goals visible. Remind yourself of your goals daily as this will help keep you on track in prioritising your activities and with your time management.

7. Think about your favourite ways of procrastinating and analyse what’s stopping you from moving forward with your goal, then break out of these habits. Goals are achieved through action.

8. Share your goals with others, this helps them to become tangible and others may be able to give advice, encouragement and keep you focussed. Think about your Circle of Influence and map out who might be able to help you.

9. Remember to celebrate success. As every milestone is achieved be proud of your achievements, give yourself a pat on the back and also do something tangible that is a reward for you.

10. Start now and ensure you are engaging in Positive Thinking and keep your nagging doubting voice under control.

Susan Lock and Steve Goodwill

The Voice in Your Head

For several months I have been working with Bucks. New University as a trainer and coach on their Graduate Internship Scheme. I have trained over 100 graduates in Employability Skills and coached many of them on issues of lack of confidence and self esteem.
It seems to me that lack of confidence and self esteem are issues that many of us have and that our thoughts, if we let them, can gradually lead us into a powerless state as we start to believe our own self talk of how we are not as good as others or worthy to get a job or new account or whatever we are looking to achieve.

How we reach the stage of such damaging self talk is probably not important, instead what is important is what we are going to do to keep us in touch with reality. We can draw upon two great overarching models here to help us fight off our darkest thoughts, one is from Transactional Analysis and the other Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP).

Starting with Transactional Analysis and the model of I’m OK, You’re OK which is a very simple model to understand but perhaps more complicated to achieve. For more information on this model most TA books cover it in detail.. All we need to do is act as if we believe this concept which is based on respecting yourself whilst equally respecting others and we then influence our behaviour appropriately. So constantly reminding ourselves at times of self doubt of the two little words “plus plus” (++) really works.

“Act as if” is a maxim from NLP, it doesn’t matter whether you feel confident just “act as if” you are confident, as only you will know you are not feeling confident and then through your actions you will become confident. Having an anchor for confidence I think is also a great help at times and using the Circle of Excellence with an additional anchor is a great boost for confidence.
If we go right back to the presuppositions of NLP I think these can be a positive thought source for us when we are embarking on what we might feel as scary territory. Of the 13 presuppositions there are quite a few that have relevance to us at times of self doubt:

 We already possess the resources we need or we can create them.
 People make the best choice they can at the time, given their Map of the World.
 People work perfectly, none of us is broken. We execute our strategies perfectly it’s just that sometimes our strategies might not be the best ones for us.
 Every behaviour has a positive intention.
 All actions have a purpose.
 If what you are doing isn’t working then do something else.
 Modelling successful performance leads to excellence.

To read more about NLP, it’s presuppositions and other elements that help us to be more effective there are two books that are easy reading and comprehensive, one is Sue Knight’s new book "Working with NLP" and the other is Joseph O’Connor’s "The NLP Workbook." We also use NLP on most of our workshops where we think it offers an insight into helping us to be the best that we can be. Plus we run a workshop called Getting Started with NLP and following this another called Moving Forward with NLP - for more information just send an email to susan.lock@keycon.co.uk

Remember your life starts in your mind so use it wisely.

All best wishes to you.
Sue Lock
July 2010

Networking Works!

In times of slowdown, networking really is the way to go. This week I've had 3 one to one's and attended a networking lunch and an evening event. It's always amazing how enthusiastic we all are about our business and how optimistic we are for the future, despite what the economists say. By mixing with other enthusiastic people we maintain and enhance our own enthusiasm and it certainly beats the other option of choosing to be with people who are negative.

Remember the toxic person who can bring down the whole meeting and discussion. The old analogies of the rotten apple ruining the whole barrel of fruit and it only takes one ripe banana to ripen the bunch. So only one positive person can have a tremendous impact.

We need to look within ourselves and see us as others see us, are we the glass half full or the glass half empty person.

I love the quote from Winston Churchill: "I am an optimist, there doesn't seem to be any point in being otherwise".

This is not to say we are wearing rose tinted glasses as we have to be aware of the work that is needed to bring optimism to fruition, so the initial networking is only the beginning. It's the following up and maintaining contact that will move the relationship along to trust and respect and ultimately referrals or a synergistic relationship.

So whether you are networking on line or face to face realise the time you are spending on it is an investment in you and your future.

The First Green Shoots

I think we’ve had enough of talking ourselves down and we should now start anticipating our recovery and working towards that.

I’ve had a very interesting week meeting lots of new people and potential business partners plus having stimulating conversations that generate business ideas. These must be the first green shoots.

It’s really interesting, and I never realised this before I was told today, that October is the month for financial collapse and doom messages being latest news. Now we are in Spring we can expect the news to change and people to start being more optimistic. Some countries are even talking about putting the recession behind them and are starting to talk about their recovery.

I think the quote by Whitney Young Jr. sums up what we need to be doing right now. “It is better to be prepared for an opportunity and not have one than to have an opportunity and not be prepared”.

So what can we do? Well I think the positive side of The Law of Attraction needs to be dusted off and polished up. So what do you want to happen to your business in 2009? What skills would you like to develop this year? Which company would you ideally like to be working with? Start to clarify your thoughts on these questions and then focus on what you want to achieve, preferably with some “sensory acuity” or “see, hear and feel” words to describe it and put it out into the ether. Then start thinking about what you can be doing right now to move towards achieving that goal, you’ll be surprised at the results.

Remember the quote by Henry Ford “Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right”.


There are three books I would recommend for reading now, two are very short books, the first is “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrne and the second is a very tiny book called “The Precious Present” which is about keeping positively grounded in today or Carpe Diem. The third book is quite uplifting and it is “Chicken Soup for the Soul”.

I’d love to hear your success stories regarding your green shoots or even small shrubs or giant trees.

Achieving Outcomes Through Flexibility and Personal Power

Thinking about the difficult discussions we sometimes get involved in I thought it might be useful to think of how we might help ourselves be more effective.

One of the main elements of NLP is Flexibility and this aspect of behaviour is useful in helping us achieve our outcomes.

If in any situation you are not getting the response you want, then take a different approach, don’t change your outcome. Instead be flexible.

Ø If you only have 1 choice - you are a robot

Ø If you only have 2 choices - you have a dilemma

Ø If you have 3 choices - you have flexibility

The person with the most flexibility is the one in control.

I am reminded of a favourite quote of mine

“If you always do what you’ve always done you’ll always get what you’ve always got.”

In order for us to be flexible we need to change the way we think and to do this we need different stimuli.

Ways of enhancing flexibility

Ø Interrupt old patterns - drive to work a different way
Ø Make a list of your habits for a week - change them for a week
Ø Do something you have never done before
Ø Look at the world through someone else’s glasses - your neighbour’s perhaps. Pretend you are 17 or 93 for one hour
Ø For one day leave everybody you interact with in a better state than when you found them
Ø Switch your channels of perception. This is Visual, Auditory and Kineasthetic.
Ø When you notice you are acting inside a ‘should’. Change role models for 3 minutes - be someone else, someone who wouldn’t take notice of the ‘should’ way of behaving.

Personal Power

Another basic tenant of NLP is Personal Power, which is about being Proactive rather than reactive and about taking action Now. Personal Power is Habit 1 in Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People which is being Proactive. There’s a quote I like that fits this well

“If you knew you couldn’t fail and could only succeed what would you do?”

This is about taking the fear of failure away from us and it is often this that stops us using our initiative and being proactive.

Sometimes we stop ourselves from achieving what we want, from making changes. A good exercise to do for this (which I have modified from Sue Knight’s book, NLP at Work – which is a good read):

Write a list of the changes you would like for yourself, this can be skills you want, relationships, lifestyle, using your time in a different way.

Once you’ve got your list choose just one and now write down how you stop yourself achieving this, your favourite ways of procrastinating – both physical and mental. This can be imagining all the difficulties you would face in doing it, talking to other people who would be happy for you to stay as you are, etc.

Next you look at each of your stoppers and ask yourself whether this is the real thing that is stopping you from achieving your outcome.

When you have found your real stopper go back to the change you wanted to make and do an ecology check on it. Is having the change going to cause harm to you or others, is it worth what it will take to get it? Can you turn your stopper into an outcome that dovetails with the original change you wanted.

Write down what you really want instead of where you are at now. Make sure this is a well formed outcome (as described in the last blog).

What actions do you need to take to achieve your outcome? Map this out in steps and do a timeline for it. In a future update I will take you through a process I call Strategic Mapping, this creates a timeframe of actions to achieve your outcome.